My strategy to constant updating of the blog now is going to be simple: I’m going to continuously microblog, mostly from my phone and putting words together about my daily look or OOTD. I’m going to call this new blog content ‘Plus Style On-the-Go’ – sharing my plus size style taken and written while I’m, well… on-the-go. Expect short and simple posting (except for this one, obviously) of me being your fat hijabi.
Allah really listens to me. He cares for me. He’s there for me. Now at my lowest, He knows what I exactly need, more than I will ever know myself. And He sent me my two most important people in the world – my parents.
We never really get any encore.
You know, that chant for more — from a receptive, appreciative and passionate bunch of audience. Be it big or small, you know when the crowd’s happy, the quantity don’t matter.
Note: I’m going to be publishing some of the drafts I’ve kept in my Posts Dashboard, bit by bit. This is the first in series of my Plus Size Style #lateblog – collection of unpublished blog posts I’ve kept for almost a year. This post was first drafted around August 2014.
I was on the train to work when a corporate looking kakak in her mid-30s who stood next to me in the sardine-packed Kelana Jaya line coach asked a random question, “Pergi kelas ke?” (“Are you going to class?”)
I was aiming for the lazy Sunday chic look which is pretty much… just another lazy Sunday chic look. I translated the whole idea into a loose-fitting style that is definitely a breather as compared to my usual fitted/skinny jeans look for my first breakfast session with the amazing Sarah Rostam.
It was a couple of years ago when I first came across Trendy Confessions‘ blog-shop and I couldn’t help but rejoiced over the idea of a Klang Valley-based independent plus size line, run by my fellow country-women, selling stylish plus size clothing for the underserved plus size ladies. At that moment, I find Trendy Confessions’ co-founders and sisters, Fong Jiar Yi and Fong Jiar Hwei a godsend to us and I still do, considering available shopping options for the stylish in us plus sizers are those UK brands selling sometimes poor quality clothing at high-street prices.
I’m gonna begin with a rambling of sort. A story, quick one.
A friend asked me if I’m ever concern about the look on my resume with me jumping around jobs from one to another in less than a year – particularly in 2013, with two new jobs in the same year – trying to figure out what I actually wanna do in life.
For once I choose not to answer. She has a point, no doubt. Disloyalty is the one thing those peeps over at HR particularly hate, no matter how good you think you are. And 2013 saw me at my lowest, career-wise, and those couple of facts could shatter my opportunity in future and why shouldn’t I be afraid, no?
Update: This post is dedicated to one of the most inspiring persons and friend in the entire world: Jay Chandra Robert and the memory of his late mother, for whom I regret not to have met while she was alive. Stories told are my only connection to her – whom like my own mother and every other mother in the world – are the truest of inspirations. All good things that we are, are because of you. RIP Aunty.
I love new years. I love the idea of starting on a clean slate – how fresh starts always bring about positivity and good vibes no matter how vague your new year missions are. I’m figuring out, still – trying my best not to consume so much of my time pondering over mission and plans, instead to just let life take charge of whatever might come my way. Nevertheless, I still believe that I have to take control of my own life hence mapping out my new year with a couple of realistic, achievable goals are important. And I’m doing (one of) it – right now – with this first That Fat Tudung Party Girl post, 19 days into the new year.
So what am I hoping to achieve this year, with That Fat Tudung Party Girl? Would this still be a rarely-visited platform I get to only when I’m desperately need to pour my heart out with words? Or would this be the blog I envisioned it to be when I first set it up a couple of years back?
Back in college, when I was an active blogger, I had a blog called Rigid. I named it after a poem I wrote which was later turned into a song that my band and I used to perform a lot. I wrote mostly in Bahasa, writing mere bullshits like ‘what I did last weekend’, ‘how busy I was that semester’, ‘the guy I had a crush on’, etc. – I was simply trying to give people irrelevant insights into my boring college life. I think I was trying hard to appear cool with it.
It was a really bad personal blog, now that I think about it. But the period I was in when I kept Rigid alive (for about 3 years, I think?) was the time when I was actually most productive and committed. Keeping it running and building a small pool of avid followers turn new-found friends have helped me grew as a wannabe-writer/journalist (Note: I was studying journalism). Apart from the classes and the student’s life I was leading, blogging allows me to experience and explore new found connections in form of supports and encouragement as well as criticisms.
I mostly am proud of how committed I was to writing. Though I cared about having comments on my posts, I still remember how much prouder I was of myself just to be able to put something up – to let my voice be heard, no matter how irrelevant the topics are. Rigid was to me a commitment I have sort of lost when my priorities changed and identifying this fact about myself/my life is kind of really sad.
That Fat Tudung Party Girl is who I am now. I am that fat girl with the head scarf on her head who is carefree, confident, fun and loving. Some people asked me if I ever get a little touchy over the word ‘fat’. I said, no. I have embraced fatness for too long to be offended by it. Truth of the matter is, I never knew how it feels like to be medium-sized, let alone slim and slender.
Last year, The Star online published an op-ed by journalist Tee Lin Say entitled No benefit in being fat. Instead of playing a more positive role in reminding readers to be cautious of their health, Tee Lin Say went on an emotional rant that was simply disturbing. I remember that day very clearly. I was at work and just about to turn off my laptop – work was about to come to an end. It was director/author, Amir Muhammad who shared the article on his Facebook page. The fact that Amir Muhammad shared an article with the word ‘fat’ on the title says a lot about why I should gave it a read too and that one quick read somehow burned me. Yes, I could feel my whole body burning right there and then.
The next couple of hours wasn’t easy. I was walking with anger all the way to the LRT. Halfway to the destination, I started crying – sobbing in frustration, disturbed by miss Tee’s mostly ruthless words. Instead of going straight home, I stopped by KL Sentral’s Starbucks where I wrote my heart out in a blog post in response to the article: Let Tee Lin Say teaches you how to crush a girl. The post was written in one shot. That particular evening, I couldn’t stop sobbing, my face was wet and I couldn’t care less of the fact that I actually was in the presence of fellow Starbucks customers – some were looking at me, trying to figure out what’s wrong and perhaps, a bit disturbed.
Fast forward 24 hours later, the article went viral. It received coverage from a couple of sites and blogs and That Fat Tudung Party Girl exceeded its’ bandwidth limit and was immediately shut down. The site received about 100,000 hits within a day. I came across some really amazing individuals showing support with words of encouragement. I felt completely inspired by these great people and I was hoping to inspire people back the same. Of course, there were also a couple of backlashes and criticisms too which are always expected.
The post was a testament of why I shouldn’t think twice about running That Fat Tudung Party Girl and actually making it happen.
We’ve all heard about the usual scenarios over and over again: The stereotypes and perception, the bullying, self-consciousness, the many struggles… we’ve heard them all. Perhaps for some of us, these are the things we’re dealing with on a daily basis. These are our usual fights. Some made the choice to work on shedding down the kilos to become newly slimmed lasses. Some, like me, who loves it the way it is, choose to keep the curves heavy, thick on the skin, proving that these fatness are what made us fabulous in the first place.
Whatever the choice you’ve made or are gonna be making this year or years to come – whether you’re a plus size or just another petite-slim Asian girl – your choice is supposed to be about being happy and making a difference.
To me, being happy is about being comfortable wearing your own skin. It’s about what’s in the head. It’s about feeling beautiful and showing the world that you’re beautiful – and not in an arrogant way. Being happy is also about wanting the best for yourself – whatever the choice that be. If having two scoops of good ice cream per week would make you feel better, I say, why not? Or quitting the job that kills your soul for a freelance gig that you would actually love, then why not too? Bearing in mind that there will always be consequences to the options you’re taking – that extra sugar intake or the monthly mortgage you’ve been putting up with for the past couple of years – always remember to consider “happiness” and “love” while making your choices. Trust me, there are always something out there for you.
I have been struggling for the past two years – making bad emotional career decisions to being romantically heartbroken – I am for sure not the right girl to be telling you how to live your life or make your life choices, neither should you listen to me in return. I am writing That Fat Tudung Party Girl because I wanna have a platform that would (first) reminds me of who I am and why I am the way I am. This is my journey, my story, my fight, my search for that happiness I’ve managed to achieve and wanting to achieve soon. But most importantly, this is my way of telling the world that sometimes, accepting people’s choices to be who they are could possibly be the wisest thing to do. And I’m not saying in a way that you gotta ‘leave other people alone’ or ‘mind your own business’ for that matter. Individual space still need to be respected but that doesn’t mean you have to stop caring. And that is the (second) reason why I’m writing this site… because I care.
I welcome comments – whether positive or negative, encouragement or criticisms – for as long as these words come for a good place called love. Try to be conscious about what you say to people. If you don’t like what you’re seeing, don’t hate. If you don’t like what you’re reading, don’t hate. Don’t also keep it to yourself, you still have to let it out, but you gotta do it right. Explore that loveable and caring side of yourself and learn to be constructive. I am all for freedom of speech but let’s learn how to filter hate out of the speech. I had this problem before. If I don’t like something, I used to say my heart out and not thinking. For someone who is a plus size and have been bullied many times before that eventually led her to who she is today (a stronger person), I tend to be defensive. I choose to fight negatively instead of choosing to fight with love. And I’m gonna change that. This is the year that I’m gonna begin to change that and I hope you could be a part of this change with me too.
Okay, it’s already been too long a post. I do admit that there’s more that I wanna convey in this post but I think I’m just gonna keep them for future posts, you know, to keep this blog running. But to give a brief idea of what I’m gonna be posting from here on, expect inspirational write-ups particularly on the subject of body loving and being a plus size. I’m gonna also be sharing a lot of music-related stuff too as I am a resident music freak and a music writer for a couple of online publications. Ah, let’s not forget style, beauty and fashion content apart from other lifestyle and culture-related postings too. Hm, what else? I guess you’ll have to keep coming to this page for more.
On a different note, shout out to my designer friend, the talented Fairiz of Kraf Studios for That Fat Tudung Party Girl‘s official logo (more branding-related stuff, I hope?). What do you think? Go and check out his amazing works should you need any design stuff done.
20 days into 2014 beginning tomorrow. How’s yours been so far? Share it out.
All I wanted to do was to be honest, so I told him that I can’t never be that girl he expected me to be. I can’t be that girl whose idea of ultimate happiness is marriage and a five figure salary. Yes, I seek love but institutional love doesn’t necessarily will make me happy. At least not yet. I can’t never be that girl who pleases conventional expectations of society. That baby, will never be me and I choose to be me. So I (wo)man up and say, I’m setting my priorities straight.
Passion before anything. Passion before everything.